C'est Temps Pour un Changement

"Do you really want your life to be a series of meaningless hookups?"
The text I received from, well, you know who you are... really did strike a chord because it was really the first time someone noticed and said, "I care." That's not to say I've had friends in the past that didn't care but they didn't really know me because I wouldn't let them.

Coming into college I told myself that changes needed to be made. Things had to be different. This is the time in our lives when we can completely reinvent ourselves. No one would know who we were. We are a blank canvas. I saw it differently. I said I'd look back on who I was to determine who I wanted to be. Instead of scrapping the bad experiences I decided to highlight them, attach sticky notes, and doodle my notes and observations all around them so that, should I make the same mistake again, I'd know in bright yellow and blue ink NOT to fall back into that trap.

I told myself I'd be honest. Instead of starting from a blank slate I'd start from something familiar and work with that material. In doing so I took up not the name I carried throughout my academic years; teachers and faculty calling me properly by my first name Edward, or parents and family members fondly speaking and referring me to me by middle name Lorenz. I wanted a change. I wanted friends who would know, accept, and embrace me for who I really was, am, and want to be regardless of the cracks, scratches, and mismatched pieces.

I am Elle. Only my closest friends have really ever referred to me by that name and always because it was symbolic of not only my full name (because that damn beautiful thing is too freakin' long) but also of the fact that I'm not just one dimensional.

I'm not just this academic make up of straight A's, perfect attendance, noticeably good handwriting, ambition, and confidence. I'm not simply the son, grandson, nephew, or cousin who runs around the house like a madman, stumbles and picks himself up to continue to run, makes everyone smile, laugh, and yell, and is known for his awkward sense of humor, love for Pokemon, and video games. I don't want to be put up on a pedestal and made the prime example of what a Llanza should be. I don't want my family name to brand, hinder, or limit me from anything.

But it does, and I am, and will be. I am Elle. I want to be seen for all these things but not limited or boxed into any one or even all of them because I am and can be so much more.

C'est temps pour un changement, je me suis dit. It is time for a change.

The first thing I did, and knowing me a little bit you should have seen it coming, was go on a date. I don't really know if you'd call it a date, though, but let me paint the scene out for y'all.

Saturday night. I had just finished watching Heroes when my friend Jon from Iona texted me saying we should hang out. After getting lost, he finally found parking, and we drove off to his house off campus. I don't know if I really considered our hangout session a date because all we did was make constellations (yeah, you know it) and watch obscenely weird television, but I'm counting it as my first official date. Thoughts and comments regarding the night? We were both dead tired from the day. That was the theme throughout the entire night. What I learned from this experience is that Jon is terrible at planning things so I'll have to make future arrangements. Anti-climactic end? You bet!

Holy Balls, It's November!

Life hurts miserably. I didn't know what anyone was talking about when they called cold, cloudy weather gloomy and depressing but I guess this is what it feels like. This is one of those weeks when the days go by excruciatingly slow, everyone is stressed out about papers, due dates, and life in general. I guess it doesn't help at all that my right wrist isn't healing the way I had hoped. Let's backtrack a few weeks since I haven't posted in nearly a decade.


Halloween Weekend:

Duncan was set to visit me for the weekend from Maryland because, let's face it, it's a hell of a lot more fun to party in New York City on Halloween than it is to party in Maryland. We left the Fall Formal, which was a collage of sweaty bodies, costumes, unimpressive light shows, and mediocre DJing, to pick up Duncan from the train station. On our walk back to campus we encountered a lonely pair of hundred dollar bills on the street which we decided would pay for our bar tab that weekend - it was God's way of telling us to party it up like rock stars. We were on Cloud Nine.


The following day was my second to last regatta. Brilliant day. We didn't do too hot but it was a beautiful day for a two thousand meter sprint. I got back home to find the entire campus still asleep... except students and their parents because it was that weekend. We decided to leave for the city around five or six so I had a few hours to eat, shower, shave, and paint myself for the night. It looked like I was wearing green spandex and I got a lot of wanted attention in the City, got a lot of pictures taken, and the like. It unfortunately rained like a bitch that night and it didn't help that I was next to Misty and her yellow shorts and Dora and her yellow socks so I was effectively depowered that night.


Oh, did I mention I sprained my wrists some time that night? Apparently I fell down the flat part of Bates Hill after I leaped happily into the air.

First Week of November:

The academic week proved only to be full of traps and pitfalls. We have six weeks, SIX WEEKS, until the semester is over which equates to crunch time. What do we do? We party. Something was different though... Kings was different. I think Callie can best sum it up in her quote of the night, "It doesn't even matter..."

The next day was a work day... which means we didn't get started until five in the afternoon. What I'm not telling you is how much I want to punch a wall... which I actually did before I began writing this blog post. A good idea? Not at all. Did it feel good? Yes - much better than smoking, anyway. I refuse to smoke. I refuse. I might fall back to it, though. I hope I won't. It's not like I can talk to my mother about it, either, since all she'll say is "don't" and not offer any constructive criticism.


I'm gonna go crawl into a hole real quick. Wish me luck. If you pass by me today avoid pissing me off or you'll be on the floor with a broken rib. Thanks :]

Monday, Eight AM

It's the second week of October and I'm beat. I've only been in New York for a little over a month and it feels like home. My only complaints thus far are that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want and need and I'm constantly hungry. I mean, sure, my hunger could be partially attributed to the fact that we're all constantly getting high (on life) but it may also be due to the fact that I only have TEN meals a week!

The first major update from this past week is my decision to quit smoking. It's counterproductive to my goals and I heard it was bad for your health. I decided to quit after crew practice on the ergs one morning when I was huffing and heaving during repeated 1Ks. My decision was confirmed when Anne's brother Andrew was set to sing Are We There with me for Open Mic night at the Black Squirrel next week. He's cute.


A second major update is the fall of the Bitch Hierarchy. Instead we've opted to inherit primary nicknames such that I am Sexual Bitch, Anne is Giggly Bitch, and Kay is Angry Bitch. We bitches have also decided that we become a fraternity, HJP, in honor of our good friend, and Sketchy Bitch, Harry James Potter (also known by his drag name, Cameroo). If you'd like to join our fraternity please speak to the Heads of House: Cameron of Gryffindor, Kay of Slytherin, Callie of Ravenclaw, or Elle of Hufflepuff. In all seriousness though, we were talking up a Harry Potter trivia storm like no other!


Money really is an issue in college, provided your parents don't just load up your account full of greens. I'm finding less and less money for groceries and it's hurting my stomach. Did I mention I'm down to my last ten dollars on my school meal money account? I really have to upgrade my plan from my current ten meals a week especially since I'm a dance major, am on the crew team, and work out for an hour a day six days a week. Cut down on physical activity? I think not - just give me more food. Scratch that, just give me more of this bromance.


What I forgot to mention or take pictures of was our epic adventure in the woods last night. A few of us went to the gym to work out and decided it would be a good idea to go to dinner in Bronxville instead of the cafeteria, so we hopped on our bikes and made our way out of campus. We did get lost along the way and almost gave up on the search until we realized that James had an iPhone so we made use of that. We traversed through the jungles of Yonkers until, finally, we came upon a dark forest. Sketchy. James led us down the dark and beaten path while Anne and I hyperventilated in the back, trying desperately to follow the dark figures in front of us because there was no light and we were in constant danger of falling into the lake on either side of the path.

To make a long story short we found the restaurant, the food was delicious, and we were slightly under dressed. Have a good week and listen to our (Kay and I) radio show on Wednesday nights 7-8PM EST!

For more on Kay Honda, visit her Twitter page.

It's Been...

It's been, it's been, it's been
su-su-such a long time, long time, long time
... since I wrote anything here. Weekly updates are really lame in my opinion but I do what I can when I can/feel like it.

The Pillow Room is our current study area though we tend to get nothing done in there after 11PM at night when all hell breaks loose and Mary pants herself, Jhani falls out of beanbags, I fall onto chairs, Kay laughs hysterically at her computer screen, and Anne has orgasms two feet away from where we're sitting. We also tend to get nothing done because we like to photobooth it up (see pictures below).


Crew continues to be freaking awesome and my weekly regiment of 6AM practices followed by an hour and a half workout at the gym and a series of dance classes keeps me unnaturally fit though I balance it out by succumbing to my vices. Did I mention I gained ten pounds in the last month? I've never ever been able to break the 130 lbs mark but I am now a healthy 135 lbs! Let's just hope those ten pounds are muscle and not the accumulation of food babies from Bates.

I'm going to try to be a lot better with my time management skills and try to post something every day but I'm not making any promises. I can't quite remember the rest of my week because... it was a long night, so I leave you with this to ponder over:

Ay, Waow

It's been too long, bitches. I honestly have no time to write these days and even less time to sleep or eat. College life makes me want to strangle bunnies (it's okay though because they multiply like it's no one's business). Here's the thing I was whining about to all of mein freunds - we haven't gotten into the kick of things yet, once our schedules have become relatively routine to us we'll know what not to do during the week. Right now our classes are so spaced out during the day that we have no idea how to maneuver around them to participate in clubs, sports, socializing, rest, work, coursework, and LIFE!

Take a deep breath. In. Out. Good. So let's start this recap. Basically... I still love the Crew Team here at SLC. Our numbers definitely died down from the very first meeting when we had about 20+ people and that, apparently, can be attributed to the fact that winter training is a giant bitch. I've spoken to some of the guys who quit and even the ones who are still up and at it and they give me a look of shock and disapproval when I claim to love the ergs (rowing machines). Today was definitely the first day I started to question that love when we had to do repeated 1K meters. We're all waiting for the day I throw down and bitch about those workouts. Did I mention the gnarly callouses I get on my hands from rowing? Yeah, it's attractive.

Waking up at 6:00 AM for crew Monday through Friday can be tough but add on the fact that I'm a dance student with two other fairly rigorous academic classes, am working to get a radio show with Kay, write for the school newspaper, and try to workout an hour a day and life can start to hurt - especially when I'm hardcore crushing on a boy. I'm pretty sure my friends are already sick of my puppy dog eyes and constant swooning but I can't help myself. I'm not going to even bother embarrassing myself further in this posting. I'll be, as Callie suggested, more "aloof" (psh...).

You would think that with all this physical activity I engage in, I'd extract myself from drinking and smoking 24/7. Non, n'est pas vrai. I really should cut back on the partying because apparently I'm a wild man when it comes to weekend, and sometimes weekday, escapades to Slonim and/or Hill. Oh, if my mother is reading this I am not - I repeat - I am NOT a chain smoker. It's just the occasional delicious cigarette here and there. I'm not Kay... or A. Sarr... or Jebbeh.

Speaking of Jebbeh, he and Marcus rocked it at the Teahaus opening a few days ago. That night was pretty sveet if I do say so myself but really, it's all about Marcus being a giant teddy bear with his ginormous infectious smile and Jebbeh being all happy-go-lucky and bubbly all the time. Another random thought bubble but I have a TWIN! His name is Nick and we look exactly alike (no we don't). The reason we're calling ourselves twins (actually, it's more me than him) is because we're the exact same height and weight... except he has defined abs and I still have a singular ab.

I know I'm forgetting something here... but I can't quite remember what it was. New York is really awesome though and I love that the leaves are actually turning orange and that I have to bundle up at night. I do miss San Diego a little but with New York City just thirty minutes away I'm not really one to bitch. THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING TO WHINE ABOUT! Okay, people - get ready for this. Last weekend I went to the City with a few friends of mine and we were planning to kick it like porn stars.

We leave campus around 8:00 PM to wait for the train. It takes FOREVER, but whatever. We finally get to Grand Central Station and meet up with Cisco and his Asians as well as Marcus, his girlfriend Mary, and their two friends from NYU and we're all giddy and jumping up and down (maybe that was just me, again). We part ways but plan on meeting Cisco and his Asians at Times Square later in the night. Mary, Jhani, Leo, Mark, and I continue on our adventure to find Kay and her friends so we can hit up some Irish bar. Two hours into the night and she's nowhere to be found on account of the fact that she's drunker than Anne at 5:00 PM on a weekday so we give up on her and try to find the bar which, after spending an eternity searching for, ends up being a dud because we were carded.

We go outside angry, confused, and sober so I light up after two weeks of sobriety. Gasp! Mary meets up with some midget douche her friend is dating and they direct us to a college-friendly bar a few blocks away. Jhani's dehydrated and gets sick, we make it to the bar and they card us, Jhani runs to the nearest bathroom, we grow weary of this search for alcohol and the girls decide to go back home while the guys continue on and try to have a good night. Did we? Long story short - no, we did not. Fourty dollars, one Camel Turkish Royal, and a swig of wodka... good times, guys.

My life hurt at that point. On a much lighter note - it's Leo's birthday today and we're baking a cake for him! Shoutout to Boss Bitch! Happy birthday, man!

And Thar Goes the Week

I'm finding it ridikulusly difficult to find time to actually post anything on mon blog these days. Contributing factors to the lack of posting include a packed academic schedule, dance classes, and friends - yes, I have friends. Whenever I'm not in class or in the dance studio I'm with the bitches. So now that I've bitched my excuse for not writing anything for a week, let's get this recap started.

It's true, we did have school on Labor Day. Ridikulus. I haven't worked out since then because my Monday morning run with Amelia compounded by the full-body workout I did right after left me sore and bitchy for the next couple days. I justified my lack of gym time with the fact that walking around campus is enough of a workout and that Crew starts on Monday. Speaking of lack of gym time Bitch Worm Alex pretty much called me fat last night though he cushions this spiked insult by saying, "You need to work out more" after seeing me shirtless. Asshole.


I'd also like to mention that no one in my hall, probably except our RA, is getting laid yet all the condoms from the magical condom jar are missing. I'll confess to grabbing a handful last week because I thought I was going to get laid like it was no one's business. Where are those condoms and lube packets now? They're sitting unused and unloved inside my drawer. We're only two weeks into the year but come on - we're in college. Then again I do go to a predominately female school and am friends with the likes of Elyas and Jeb.


Speaking of Jebbeh I still have the pack of Camels he got me sitting within arm's reach taunting me, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, smelling oh-so-delicious, and begging to be smoked. I quit. I hear they're not good for you. Not to mention I like not having to heave every time I'm dancing, working out, singing, or even just breathing. No judgment here, though. It's just not going to be my shot of vodka in the morning.

I think the operative word here has been "bitch" so to wrap things up I will do so. I'm so smerfunkulin' sick right now. Vocal Minority, the all-male a capella group on campus, is holding auditions tomorrow and I sound like a bass. Damn it. Crew starts on Monday and I can't breathe properly and am coughing up a storm. Double damn it. I don't particularly think I can handle my Science and Technology class so I'm thinking of dropping it and taking German but they've already gone over a lot of material so I'm going to have to do some heavy-duty catching up. Triple damn it. I can't seem to find any nice girls who are interested in me in this predominately female school nor can I find any guys who are interested in me in this supposedly gay oasis. Fack.

It's Laundry Day

Happy Saturday to those of you still reading mon blog. It's been quite a few days since I last updated and that's mostly due to 3 reasons.

1. I'm in college
2. It's Orientation Week
3. I actually have a pretty legit social life now

Well, what has happened since we last saw each other? I decided to join the Crew Team, I started smoking again, I found out I'm only allotted 10 meals a week and ran out on Thursday, discovered a deep jealousy for gay couples, slept with a guy, got slightly rejected by quite a few females because I have hotter male friends, and "stole" from the cafeteria. Did I mention I made some pretty intense and close-knit friendships?


Let's break it down a little more, though. One night a group of bitches walked to Hill House after a long day wandering about. They ended up staying up talking, laughing, and bitching until the wee hours of the morning until finally at 4AM decided it was best to call it a night. There was a slight problem however: seven people, six beds. Actually, I wouldn't call it a problem so much as a fun time. Let's just say that there was cuddling.


The walk of shame commenced around 10 AM the following day and it was at lunch that I found out I only had 10 meals a week and had to pay a whopping $10 for lunch... that adds up over time, people, so you definitely have to eat your money's worth (or bring tupperware). I also began to notice quite a few unreachable gay men. You know, the one's in relationships (damn them for being so attractive and unavailable). To make matters worse I have attractive male friends who *cough* Jeb *cough* Elyas *cough* have girls fluttering around them at all hours of the day and night. Yeah, I can't compete with that... for now.


Friday rolls along and we find ourselves in the middle of Street Fair. It. Was. AWESOME. We... left after a few minutes... to go to the local CVS... to buy some cigarettes. Yes. It was a dark time. Until I took that first hit of my Jeb-purchased Camel and then everything was good again. It remained that way throughout the day because it rained alcohol from the sky and everyone was high and beautiful... except Anne, because she's a bitch. Second bitch, to be exact.


Anyway, today was laundry day. I started doing laundry around noon and only just finished because alternating between Taylor and Garrison laundry rooms with everyone scrambling to do their laundry was a trial. I need to get ready for the Dance Party tonight though, so if you don't mind I'm gonna go take a well-deserved shower and shave.

The Best and Only Time

Let's get the boring details out of the way. My roommates and I woke up around noon missing interviews, orientation meetings, and breakfast (though I'm not all that bummed about missing breakfast because the strawnana Naked Juice there was mildly puke-inducing). The first day of interviews was today and I've already been kicked to the side by four of my seven perspective mostly because of scheduling conflicts. Who knew the dance program was going to be so intense as to keep me busy five days a week?

...and now for something completely different... It's appropriate, accepted, and completely understood that no one will remember the names of any person they have met this week. That being said there are a few people whom I've meet, hung out with a lot, and still don't remember their names. It's also to my perception that this is the one and only time that you can randomly walk up to a person or group of people and integrate yourself into the conversation by introducing yourself and saying something funny, witty, or cute.

That being said - there's this cute upperclassman whom I saw at the Scavenger Hunt earlier on in the week. I'm pretty sure he was part of the Green Team because my group saw him at Westlands and again at the PAC when we basically lost and gave up. He was really nice, really cute, and I totally don't remember his name but then he came up to our table at Midnight Breakfast and handed us free gift bags with food and bevs inside. I pounced. Flirting with the guy, I asked his name, introduced myself, smiled... and then forgot his name today. I think it was Matt, or Marc... or something that doesn't even start with an 'MA.' If you're reading this right now, Mystery Guy, I'm definitely up for grabbing some food with you sometime.

PS. I need to remember to buy batteries for my camera so I can take relevant pictures. I'm not even going to bother boring you with snapshots of Theodore this time around.

Day Three featuring Days One and Two

After such a long hiatus, several renovation projects, and a lot sweat, blood, and tears I am back - this time as a first year in university. Although Orientation Week officially started on Saturday with Move-In Day, I thought it would be a little bit cuter if I started my new posts on a designated school day (aka; I was too lazy to post anything two days ago with all the wackiness at such high levels).


Today was a pretty stressful/uneventful day. I had little to no time to grab lunch because I had to type out my perspective Fall course list, was late for my don (academic adviser) meeting because the printer at the library doesn't like me, got lost trying to find the Dance Office, had an uncomfortably short amount of time to discuss said courses, and am still crushing on a guy I'm pretty sure isn't a good match for me.


I can summarize the last two days in less than five words: awkward Facebook friend greetings. For those who haven't experience this awkward turtle of an event it's what happens when you carelessly add people you haven't met in real life but have some sort of connection to in the real world. Mon example is from school - I added 30+ people, most of whom I hadn't stayed in contact with or even talk to at all, from our school Facebook group and, upon arriving here, barely speak to any of them... with a few exceptions.

I think one of the first people I "met" (and Facebook stalked) was Kay Margaret. We hit it off because, well - we're the Cool Asians (bonus points if you understand the reference) and also because we are Margaret Cho. Franco's the other one who has had the pleasure to meet me. The Argentinian nearly went missing last night after the Party Under the Big Top.

It was two in the morning, Kay and I were discussing the meaning of life, Campus Security was flashing their high beam lights in our eyes, and Franco walks over and asked the directions to his dorm since he forgot (give him a break, it was our second day, and it was dark). To make a not-so-long-story pseudo-shorter we told him to ask Campus Security to escort him there, he refused, we exchanged numbers in case he got kidnapped, and he waddled off into the night. Thankfully, we saw him again in the morning.

One of the last people whose names I remember is Rachel. We hit it off immediately during Move-In Day because we "owned the awkward." Everyone was kind of looking around, eying each other because we all "knew" each other from Facebook, but no one wanted to admit it or even initiate the first awkward, "Hey... we're friends on Facebook!" We, however, were too cool for that and exchanged the awkward, "Haha, oh my gosh! Yeah! I totally didn't want to just come up to you and be like, 'Hey!' But, no, it's good that that's out of the way! Haha..."

Going back to my festering crush... I'm not really sure if it's too soon to tell if we had more in common than meets the eye but, comparing it to a date (which I've never been on so who am I to talk? All I've seen are those scripted duds on screen), it's been three days and we have little chemistry. I just wish he was less my type. You know the type by now: tall, lean, and handsome.


If you haven't noticed by now I'm being so blatantly honest it kind of hurts to reread. It's not like you all don't think these things, either - who are you kidding? Unfortunately, my digital camera uses AA batteries to function (wtf?) and it's been out of commission since Friday so I can't put up any personal pictures from the last two days and will be settling with the ones you've seen so far from the official school Facebook group. I'll get around to it eventually...


Okay I lied - it ended up sparking up some last minute energy today and I was able to snap a picture of my dinky little section of the shared triple I'm learning to call home.

About Elle

My name is Edward Lorenz Llanza Estanol – also known simply as Elle – and I am the creator, writer, and moderator of this wicked little blog. I grew up in San Diego, California but have since relocated to Bronxville, New York for educational purposes.

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As a university undergraduate student, particularly affiliated with the male population, I am often found objectifying men, laughing hysterically at Margaret Cho’s jokes, ranting about relationship problems and successes, and contemplating my journey through life on the pages of this blog.

This blog is intended to be a personal record of my interests, experiences, and musings framed up and displayed for all of you wonderful people to read, watch, and, at times, drool over.

Now that you’re here you might as well snoop around my medicine cabinet, drink directly from the milk carton, and rest your feet on my coffee table – just be mindful of my cockward roommates.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to contact me.